1. Now .. you've heard of the Halls of Ivy .. Halls of Fame .. and Montezuma. There's Carnegie Hall .. and Hall's Menthol .. and, the Hall's recently moved here from Yuma! But of all the halls both big and small .. the most infamous hall of all .. is the one we will remember still .. and it's name is ALKE HALL .. (KE HALL .. It's name is ALKE HALL!) 2. Now .. Alke Hall is full of cads who'll encourage some innocent child to guzzle and swig like some red-nosed pig .. 'till he's honked .. and woozy and wild! It's a den of thieves and iniquities .. and 'twill turn some church baritone to a son-of-a-gun .. Attilla the Hun .. or possibly AL KE .. PONE .. (KE .. PONE! Possibly Al Ke-pone!) 3. Now .. here's the tale of Willy .. who has seldom tasted water. He's a patron of good old Alke Hall. It was his Alma Mater. (Mater!) And it's off to the gym for a jog and a swim .. at least .. that's what he tells 'er! But it's home he'll crawl from old Alke Hall .. to take some ALKE .. SELTZER! (SELTZER! To take some Alke Seltzer!) 4. Now .. Willy had been a part of that clan for most of his adult life. And he spent more time with old Jack Dan .. than ever he did with his wife. And they tell him he had a hell of a good time .. although he couldn't recall all the glasses he clinked and the drinks he drinked .. at good old Alke Hall .. (Ke Hall .. at good old Alke Hall!) 5. Now .. Willy could lift a pint or a fifth .. and occasionally, a Magnum. And the doctor he said, "Ah-h Willy, me lad .. it's turning your liver into sphagnum! You've got to quit old Alke Hall, before it is too late! (Oh, too late!) Take your hat and your shoes, but not the booze .. walk out through the front gate!" (front gate .. walk out through the front gate!) 6. When Willy got to the front gate, he met the Devil himself. And the Devil said, "Will .. you can't leave, until we've had one drink to your health!" Will said, "Why not? Just a parting shot .. " and they sat down on the wall .. just the Devil and Will on that moonlit hill .. in the shadow of Alke Hall. (Ke Hall .. in the shadow of Alke Hall.) 7. It was one part ale and one part rum and one part good Jim Beam .. a few twists and shreds of old resolves .. and the bitters of hopes and dreams .. and the icy cries of dead men's lies .. topped off with cream and Kahlúa! (Lu-ah!) The Devil he stirred it with his tail .. and he said, "Will, me boy .. Here's to ya!" (To ya! He said, Will me boy .. here's to ya!) 8. Now .. Will reached out with a shaking hand to take the frothing glass. But then, instead, to the Devil he said, "No thanks! I think I'll pass! I've never before heard the dead men's lies, nor seen the Devil in person! I'll go home tonight .. I'll have me a Sprite .. maybe turn on Johnny Carson!" (Carson .. turn on Johnny Carson!) 9. Now Willy, he goes to Al-Anon, AA, and some self-help groups! Tho he's living on toffee and non-alcoholic orange cappuccino coffee and occasional Campbell's soup. He never more calls on old Alke Hall! Three cheers for good old Willy-o (Rah, rah, rah!) And a Happy New Year .. one and all .. won'cha pass the sasparilli-o (illi-o)! (Repeat last line)