1. I run a little business in Camden, Maine, nice little place, that's easy to maintain. I called down to Portland as I'd done for ages, just to put a little ad in the Yellow Pages. CHORUS: And it's RING-A-DING-DING, HOW'D-JA-DO, HONEY AT&T's gettin' all o' my money. Singin' "All's well! Ain't it swell, Since Ma ain't gotcha by the bells .. any more!" 2. They said they were sorry, but they couldn't help me, now they specialized in closed circuit phonography. They said I should call Hackensack and ask for Dan, cause he was their mellow Yellow Pages man. 3. Well, I finally found Dan in a bar in Duluth. He was singin' "Moonlight in Vermouth" He was busy with a two party line named Cookie, but he gave me the number of his telephone bookie. CHO. 4. Then I thought I'd call my Uncle Fred in Kansas City, but I got put through to a telephone committee. They said, "we've had a breakdown of our paraphernalia, and we'll have to route your call through Albany .. Australia." 5. So they put my call on an underground cable, contacted the ghost of Clark Gable. Then they beeped it to the sky as they'd done before, but, the satellite was temporarily .. out of orbit. 6. By the time my call got to Uncle Fred, he'd grown very old and had perished in his bed. The long distance operator genuflected, when she told me he'd been permanently .. disconnected. CHO. 7. Now if you try to get 'hold of me by telephone, you'll reach a recording "Whereabouts unknown, We lost her in a transfer incident, I'm told and we fear she's gone forever .. to that Great On Hold." CHO. 2x